Links and codes are provided by Thirdlove with no affiliate. All opinions are my own.
Bra’s are like a best friend and an itch you can’t scratch.
They support you when you need it most, they can make you feel so good about yourself…but they can also be a huge
fucking pain in the breast! You wiggle and waggle and pull and tug but can’t seem to get comfortable. Who invented these Kevlar boob shields anyway!? If it was a man, I’m gonna flip a goddamn table. Ok, guys, for those of you that don’t know what I mean, imagine having chastity belt on your family jewels 10-18 hours a day. (sometimes more, there are some fucking Xena-warrior-She-Hulks that wear them all day everyday) It cuts into your skin, it hangs awkwardly and unnaturally, and feels like its slowly crushing the life out of your manhood. Yeah that’s what women go through.
And we CHOOSE to!
There is not one women I have met that hasn’t spent at least several hours trying to find the perfect bra just to say “fuck-it, where’s the lighter fluid?” (ya know, bra burning? Oh, I’d knew you’d get it!) Either the band is too loose and cups too small, or the cups too big and you look like a bag of Dorito’s chips. Or maybe you want that perfect Va-Va-VOOM, boobs choking you out, push-the-
fuck-up-to-the-heavens bra. When all you get is tight band and arms straps making you look like the Michelin man with a dreaded 4 boob!!! (For those of you who don’t know what the 4 boob is, think cameltoe on your breastal area)
Special boob shaped snowflakes
We have all heard it before, each on of us is a special snowflake. No one body is the same. You’ve got that right! We come in all shape and sizes…and directions and colors and weight…One boob hangs lower (guys should get this one, so don’t hate on us when we ALL know you got lumpy-uneven nether regions) One boob can point east and the other south-west. Maybe our boobs are like mosquito bites, while others are literal melons…I have tried carrying two watermelons once at my chest and HOLY SHIT how do you women do it! Kudos to you! I’ll have my agent buy you all 2-hour massages for the rest of your back aching, shoulder pinching lives!! Boobs are like a bad hair cut. One minute you are so over their shit and just want to shove them away and deal with them when they decide to cooperate, and the other minute (like when you finally style your hair in a way you like) they make you feel sexy, empowered and proud to be a woman. (I really hope my metaphors are making sense)
I am part of the “averagely-sized-too-big-to-wear-strapless-bras-but-too-small-to-join-the-BIG-titty…titty-committee”
TMI?? Well half the human population* has boobs so get over it. We’re here and talking about BRASSIEREs. Hah! Bra puns! (*my data analytical team will be sextuple checking my over confident stats…and YAY more puns!) So I have a hard time finding bras that fit me. I have a fairly small frame but I think my mom let me play with too much BPA-ridden toys as a little girl. Or 34DD in Victoria’s Secret Bra Code. Literally every time I go to the store I go in for one bra, try on half the stores items, and leave with a pair of undies. It’s never productive. Lately I have been just resorting to sports bras. Comfy yoga sports bras, not those crazy push-up underwire, ready to stunt double for John Wick sports bras.
Lets get to THIRDlove BASE
For those of you who are tired going to stores and guessing which bra will suit your special-snowflakes, or getting measured by a total stranger that claims to be a “Boob Expert,” than ThirdLove is the place to go. ThirdLove is an online undergarment store that takes the bra game to a whole new level. They have a quiz/test/boob-physics questionnaire for you to take so you can be match-made-in-heaven with your perfect bra! Here is the link for that quiz! They ask simple questions (with pictures! Yay doodle boobs!) about how your boobs look, what problems you have with your current bras and how long you have had your favorite bra…(which we all know should be washed every day but you are a BOSS
BITCH that don’t got time for dat! Ya NASTIES!)
They also have TRUE nude colors for all women of every shade under the rainbow! I know that can be a problem with some women who are blessed with a little more melanin, and ThirdLove has listened and delivered! They have a range of flesh colors as well as a few fun flirty colors too! They also have a 30 day Try Before Buying program. You can chose a bra and try it for 30 days and if you don’t absolutely love it, you can return it (at no charge to you) with no hassle! And each gently-used returned bra is washed and donated! If you love your new boob hammock, you can keep it for $68!
Some goodies…No not your goodies, THESE goodies
ThirdLove and I have come together to bring you an amazing deal for all of your BRAblems!
Use code BRABLEMSTL15FEB at checkout for 15% off your order! So don’t you worry your pretty little head, I got you COVERED. (does that one make sense?)
So cheers to your boobies and may you find a worthy bra to help support you when times are tough. May it lift your girls up to the sky and towards your dreams. And may it give you unwavering self confidence to slay your day!
Feature image courtesy of Treacle Tart